Thinking of you hard today. It’s holiday times again. I feel fiercely lonely; I don’t know exactly why. I’m trapped in my head so much. Trying to do the right thing.
You always worked so hard your entire life. You could have worked a quarter of that and I would’ve loved you as much. My hugest regrets are not getting to spend much time with you…especially at the end. My other is not being able to love Theron. I’ve tried. I still can’t. I do apologize. I do forgive all that. But I can’t feel comfortable around him.
I was thinking today had I been able bodied during the divorce, I would’ve left. Found somewhere else to live. I was tired of feeling ignored and never knowing if I was going to get fed or bathed or yelled at or who I would or would not find there.
I wanted to leave every day. I wanted to die almost every day. I didn’t leave. I didn’t die.
I lived. I survived.
And then I moved.
I found out I was still pretty unstable and immature.
You still bailed me out when I never deserved to be. I thank you for that. I knew I didn’t deserve your generosity.
I tried to be happy. To appreciate. It’s a lot harder than most think it is. I suppose I did all right; still here, after all.
I remember that night in your house when we watched all those different covers of “Hallelujah” by L. Cohen. He had just passed.
They were all so personal. That’s what made them all beautiful. Same song, but so different. Because people make it their own when it speaks to them.
We talked about this as you drove me to the airport when the local UNT station played those different covers of David Bowie. He had also just gone.
I loved every moment of those conversations. Those quiet moments with you. Just you. No one else. It seems those were so rare.
I love you. I still have to say it, because you’re present even when you’re not. It doesn’t make this any less real.